Holding it all Loosely
Books, mental health, and once again having no chill
Hello! Still over here working on my mental health. It’s very boring. Lots of getting dressed and making beds and doing small errands. All very annoying tasks that on the surface look like normal adulting, but are monumental for a brain that doesn’t want to do them.
By this point, I’ve been on my new meds for 2 weeks. Again, I think I’m doing better. Is it psychosomatic? Who knows. I won’t have bloodwork done again for another few weeks, so it’s anyone’s guess. Just the perception of ease, though, helps. I was able to get a few errands done this week without feeling like every atom in my body had to conspire to walk out the door. If the 8 pound jelly that runs the show can be easily suggested into thinking everything is easier, then I’m here for it.
The most annoying thing about my depression rediagnosis is that I truly did think I was done with it. The anxiety is constant - there has never been a moment where I’ve thought, ‘Aha! Now the anxiety is gone! I am free!’ That is just not how my brain is wired. It is managed, it is held at bay, but it is like having an overexcited labradoodle on hand who needs constant supervision. With the depression, I thought I was…done. I hadn’t had a major episode since 22. I thought it was a thing that had happened to me, that I’d still put on all my medical forms, but that it wasn’t something I had to worry about anymore. I was done, I was good. But alas, that is not to be.
I can’t just be done with depression? I can’t just be recovered? I have to constantly work at my own mental health? It’s all very rude.
So I’m working on recalibrating, and as I’m doing that, it involves holding a lot of things loosely. As I said before, I have no chill, so this is very hard for me. I take everything very seriously. It’s why I feel so bad about being behind on those interviews. It’s why I feel so bad about not having posts I keep promising. If I could convince myself it doesn’t matter, I could relax. But it does. It matters a lot, if to no one else, than to me.
The easiest way for me to hold things loosely is to do small increments of things. This currently looks like 30 minutes of focusing on reading and writing. Normally I read for an hour and write for an hour daily. But my focus is shot (no thanks to our current political climate) and trying to jump back into a fully formed habit that healthy me can handle is not what sick me needs. Therefore: 30 minutes. That’s it.
My therapist has said that this season of life for me is about rebuilding self trust and reducing the (insane) amount of pressure I put on myself. It’s as if I’ve taken my authorly duties and transferred them to my own psyche: instead of following my characters around, sussing out their motives and shoehorning them into scenes, I’m doing it with my brain. Would you like this? Do you want that? Why are you so irritated right now? Do you need a nap? A snack? A hug? So far the answer is: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
30 minutes: that’s all I’m spending right now as I write this. Heaven forbid I actually write a short post, because clearly I like to talk too much. As I return to the things I love to do, and try to build better systems around them, I’m asking myself how I can make things fun again. Why did I come to Substack in the first place? Why did I want to write my novel? What seeds of creation were lost along in the shuffle? What makes writing joyous? And why not go do/write/analyze those things?
I can only keep asking the questions. What I do with the answers is another thing entirely.
No New Books Challenge
Listen, I already said May was going to be a bad month. There’s special editions I want (need.) Anyways, some were acquired today. I once again regret nothing.
Longest streak: 38 days (January 1st - February 6th)
Last streak: 10 days (April 27th - May 6th)
Current streak: 0 days (As Scarlett O’Hara once said, tomorrow is another day)
Mug Moment of the Week
The mug of the week is from one of the many Emily’s in my life. I think this was a birthday present? Or a Christmas present? I can’t quite remember, but a gift giving holiday was involved. And it includes two things that are often not combined together: mugs and yoga. Sure, tea is often inextricably linked with yoga but mugs? Too many things to knock over when you’re in down dog.
I’m experimenting with video today, mainly because a static photo is hard to capture all the illustrations on this Emily McDowell mug, and also I forgot to take a picture and now it’s in the dishwasher. Holding it all loosely, folks.
Until next time, when I will hopefully have a new list of book adjacent things for you.
You are hurting. We understand. Deep breaths and love yourself.