The Adventures of Fake Mom, Tiny Dog, and the Mysterious Beeping Noise
How petsitting is like reading
As we’ve previously established, everything is writing. So it goes without saying that everything is reading, too. Specifically, petsitting is reading. Confused? Let me explain.
Back in the day (‘the day’ being 2022 - early 2024 when I was freelancing), I did a lot of petsitting. How did I become a semi-professional fake (pet) mom? It was an accident, made even more entertaining by the fact that I did not grow up with animals. Sorry, Rainbow the fish, you don’t count.
During the pandemic, close friends in my bubble went away for a few days, so I’d stay over/stop by to take care of their animals. As the restrictions lifted and my friends started leaving for longer periods of time, I was already a familiar face their animals knew. Also, I work from home, the epitome of petsitting flexibility and something a great many animals got used to with their humans around during the pandemic. Eureka, a petsitting business was born.
Now, I’m on a purely friends and family basis. As nice as the extra cash is, it can be destabilizing to move locations multiple times a month. But after doing this for a few years, I’ve noticed that living in other people’s houses is much like reading a book.
But first, story time.
As a petsitter coming into your home, unless you have something truly unhinged in your house, I will not judge it or you. What do I mean by truly unhinged? Exhibit A from this pre-newsletter Savannah stay in Summer 2023:
An actual ZEBRA SKIN RUG. The man who owned the house said he bought in Africa, and was told that the zebra was already dead. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say.
Even if you lack enough mugs for my tea consumption, I will let that slide. (Most likely.) But zebra skin? Definitely not. Thank god I did not stay in that room.
As Fake Mom, if you will, it is my job to not only keep your pet alive but also ensure that their daily routines are maintained. Which means I am the one doing the adjusting, for the most part, not your animal. Fake Mom is generally good at this, and always offers lots of snuggles and couch time.
So we’ve got Fake Mom. And Tiny Dog? Let me tell you about Tiny Dog.
Tiny Dog is my name for Mischka, my friend Emilie’s dog who is basically a cat. Tiny Dog loves couch sitting, eats at random hours, (even then it is only a few pieces of kibble at a time) and has two speeds: 0 and 100. 0 is: stopping to smell literally everything in existence. 100 is: frolicking so quickly that Fake Mom has to run to catch up.
Mischka’ nickname comes from the fact that she’s a Tiny Dog, but more specifically, this TikTok:
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To be honest, that Tiny Dog isn’t even that Tiny. Mischka is much smaller. Oh and I do have Tiny Dog’s mom’s permission to talk about her. When I asked Emilie if I could make Mischka Substack famous, her response was, and I quote, “Of course! It’s about time she contributes to this household.”
Ok so you know Fake Mom and Tiny Dog, so what’s the Mysterious Beeping Noise?
This is a reference to this iconic early 2000s, nascent days of YouTube lore:
When I tell you this audio is open on a tab in my brain at all times…
During my stay at Emilie’s house last week, I was doing laundry and then heard this noise. (Note: you’re going to have to turn your volume way up.)
At first I thought it was a truck backing up, so went outside to investigate. No dice. Then I thought it was the laundry. Confirmed that the washer and dryer did not make those noises. What could it be then?
The answer: something in the house next door. How did I determine this? Putting my ear to the wall. Also, I went through every room and checked the smoke & carbon monoxide detectors to make sure we weren’t about to die. As you can image, Tiny Dog was incredibly unbothered during all of this. She was asleep on the couch.
The anti-climatic answer is that I don’t know what the beeping noise was, but by the time I got home on Sunday, the neighbors had returned and turned off whatever it was,1 and there was blessed sweet silence.
Wow so much media and memes in this week’s edition of the newsletter. I’d feel bad about it, but I don’t because I am not the Chaotic Reader for nothing. So we’ll get to the actual point now. Ahead, 6 ways that petsitting is like reading.
How is living in other people’s houses like reading?
Adaptation
A key job of the author is teaching the reader how to read their book. From experimental literary fiction to fantasy, the reader has to adapt to each new story, just like I have to when I enter a stranger’s home. You best better believe I have opened every single one of your kitchen drawer’s looking for the scissors. I don’t know where everything is kept, I don’t know where the food is stored, I don’t know how your shower works. These things are small, though, and it’s easy to adapt. Much like a good book should be easy to fall into. Sure, it’s a new experience, but the learning curve shouldn’t be astronomical.Take what you like, leave the rest
Public Service Announcement: I do not take things from people’s homes. I am merely referring to the idea that when advice is proffered, take what works for you and ignore the rest. That’s what I do when I both read books and stay in other people’s houses. I’ve gotten some good ideas for decorating, and have found a few new mugs based on other people’s decor. But just like not every book is not for me, not every decor choice is for me. And that’s ok! But it is interesting to see how other people live. It’s a peek into another world, if you will.Flexibility
I am a card carrying member of Overpackers Anonymous. It’s in my DNA. But what petsitting requires is flexibility. I can’t always bring everything I need with me; I have to assume that where I’m staying will have scissors and tissues and other basic household items. Even when they don’t (the Savannah house lacked a toaster of all things), I have to make it work. Much like reading - you don’t always get to just sit and read quietly with a cup of tea. Sometimes you have to listen to audiobooks while driving, or read on a commuter train. The point being, that even in an ideal state, things may not go your way, and you need to be flexible.
Greater Empathy
Books are said to produce greater empathy in the people who read them. After all, we’re stepping into someone’s life and living out their story, which can be markedly different from ours. That is much like stepping into someone’s home. It’s not mine, after all. And pets are not humans - they do things that are very animalistic at the end of the day, and can’t be judged in human ways for being an animal.2 Much like with point #2, living in someone else’s space and seeing life through someone else’s eyes adds a new layer of perspective. I may not agree or understand what I’m reading or seeing, but it’s an experience in growth nonetheless.Preponderance of Furry Sidekicks
This might be a more fantasy specific thing, but yes, having a furry sidekick by your side all day long is very much like many of the novels I read. 10/10, no notes.Weird Stories
I have discovered that all dogs are, by law, part weirdo. Don’t even get me started on cats. Which means that despite all careful planning, something odd is going to happen. Things that have happened to me while petsitting:Two dogs woke me up at midnight to bark at the top of their lungs, to the point where I thought I was going to have to call the police because someone was breaking in.
One dog ate two pairs of my underwear AND my Diva cup.
One dog refused to move from her perch on the couch for the afternoon I stopped by.
One cat did not have a litter box in the house (this was the Savannah house, which had an outdoor cat which is a whole other kettle of fish)
The two cat theory: one cat is basically a dog, the other cat is the most cat-like cat you’ve ever met. Has proven true so far, any more than 2 cats results in an entirely different dynamic.
And so on. You get the idea. When opening a book, when staying with a new animal, who knows what’s in store.
Yes, at the end of the day, petsitting is like reading. Further compounded by the fact that I’ll bring six books too many when I petsit at your house because how can I know what I’ll want to read? I need to be prepared.
No New Books™️ Challenge
Last week, I went into Brookline Booksmith and didn’t buy any books. Please clap. This achievement is to hide the fact that I bought a special edition last Wednesday.
I have no excuse for my behavior. But! I am keeping a full log of all my streaks this year, and we can revisit at the end of December to see how weak my willpower actually is. Behold the latest updates.
Longest streak: 38 days (January 1st - February 6th)
Last streak: 4 days (February 23rd - February 26th)
Current streak: 6 days (February 27th - Present)
Mug Moment of the Week
Remember what I just said about not buying any books at Brookline Booksmith? Ok yeah I didn’t buy any books but I did buy a mug. This mug, to be precise.
I have a whole lot of loose leaf tea I need to use, and it helps that this mug has a steeper that comes with it. Other than the fact that it’s gorgeous??? It’s a good size, too, big, but not too big, for those rare times when I’m feeling in the mood for tea, but not a tankard. This was the only one of this design left, so I think it’s safe to say that there are others out there who like this style, too. Also a nice premonition of spring.
The working theory was ghost laundry - aka ghosts doing laundry. Because it really did sound like a washer finishing its cycle. But do washers just…malfunction like that?? Clearly this is not my forte.
I am still judging the dog that ate my Diva Cup, though. He is fine.
Outstanding!👏👏👏