Denethor and the Tomatoes
The best gluten free trader Joes Snacks
Recently I finished reading Men Have Called Her Crazy by Anna-Marie Tendler, and I have some thoughts. In fact, I have so many thoughts that I am still writing them down. My plan was to have that ready for today, but nope. I have no fewer than 8 different articles/pieces of media/books I want to mention so. She shall remain a work in progress. And today, you will get a chaotic list instead.
Please enjoy my ranking of (some) of the best gluten-free snacks at Trader Joes. Why gluten free? My joints have demanded it, and what I hate more than being gluten free is the fact that it makes me feel better. It’s incredibly rude.
Before we get to the snack portion of this newsletter, books! Food is often something that is described in depth in literature. There’s an entire cookbook industry for goodness sakes. Humans love food. Notable examples of food in books include the Redwall series by Brian Jacques. As a child, I was told that Jacques was reading stories to a group of children, and a blind child mentioned that they wanted to know more about what the characters were eating as they couldn’t see the illustrations. Despite the memory; a cursory Google search does not support this.1 In fact, Google says that Jacques focuses so much on food because of food scarcity he experienced as a child during World War II. Whatever the reason, the feasts the animals have are a central character and plot point during the books.2
When I think about food in literature, I automatically go to Moderato Cantabile, a novel by Marguerite Duras. Before we get to how this relates to the Lord of the Rings movies, some background.
Duras is most famous for her novel The Lover (L’Amant in French), and was a founding member of the French New Wave in literature. The Lover and Moderato Cantabile are some of her more ‘traditional’ works - meaning they have an actual plot of sorts. I have undertaken an absurd vow to read all of her works, and trust me when I say that some of them are very experimental and are almost devoid of logic.
I became enamored with Duras my senior year in high school when we read extracts of The Lover in my AP French class. This was one of the first times I encountered an author taking aspects of their life and fictionalizing it, as Duras does here. Fair warning: read the trigger warnings on The Lover before you read it. Duras was born and raised in French colonial Indochine (now Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos) and had a brutal upbringing. Her father died when she was 4, her family lived in poverty, and her older brother and mother were fairly abusive. She had a relationship with a much older man when she was 15, and it’s this incident that The Lover is based on. It’s a beautiful work of literature, but just be aware of what you’re getting into. Same if you watch the movie - I had to watch it for French class in college and it was not a good time for me.
Anyways - Moderato Cantabile. This novel was published in 1958, and was what originally shot Duras to literary fame. (The Lover wasn’t published until 1980) I read Moderato Cantabile in high school as part of an independent study, and it’s about a woman named Anne Desbaresdes, and her relationship with a working class man who she meets in a cafe while waiting for her child to finish piano lessons. Their conversations embody the difference between the French working class and bourgeoisie, all seen through discussions about the recent murder of a woman by her husband. In the climatic scene, Anne returns home late to a dinner party, incredibly drunk, and watches her guests demolish food. The descriptions of people eating food are graphic and incredibly violent. Anne later gets sick after witnessing this.
Once I read the ‘food as violence’ scene, I saw it everywhere. The most recent and popular example, in my humble opinion, is Denethor eating tomatoes in ‘The Return of the King.’
I will not subject you to a summary of The Lord of the Rings or the films by Peter Jackson (That protesting you hear? It’s my parents and brother because I did indeed subject them to that a lot as a kid) but just watch the above 7 second clip. Look how violently Denethor eats those tomatoes. It’s shocking! This moment is also intercut with a scene of a bunch of men about to be slaughtered.
Food is something that humans need to survive, so contrasting a fundamental human need with violence is an interesting juxtaposition. None of my snacks inspire violence I don’t think, but since I’m a book newsletter and not a food newsletter, I needed to relate this to books somehow.
You might be saying to yourself, “Why are these snacks all chocolate and/or desserts?” to which I say: I have a wicked sweet tooth. Maybe we’ll do a part two with salty snacks, because fun fact: potatoes do not have gluten.3 In order from worst to best:
The Brownie Crisp Coffee Ice Cream Sandwiches
A controversial yet brave opinion: I do not enjoy coffee. I wonder if this has been made obvious by the amount of tea I consume. But I don’t like coffee. I love the smell, the taste? Not so much. EDS does have some caffeine sensitivities, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. I once took 2 extra strength Exedrin by accident and was up until 3 am staring at my bedroom wall.
Anyways, I was surprised that these were gluten free. They’re not marketed as gluten free, but there’s no wheat in them. I reasoned that with the brownie, I’d be able to ignore the coffee ice cream. This was not the case. The coffee was too overpowering. The Brownie was good though, I’d eat just the brownie. I still have 3 left so if anyone local to RI wants them, lemme know. 2/10
Double Chocolate Muffins
A pretty solid gluten free muffin, but still a little dry. 6/10.
Gluten Free Madeleines
I got these because I wanted to have a Proust moment. (Dipping Madeleines in tea and all. Another French book as part of my education) These are good, and I enjoy the flavor. However, they are very chewy. Almost too chewy in a way I cannot explain. This will not stop me from eating them, though. 7.5/10.
Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups
Oh boy these are great. Basically off brand Reeses Peanut Butter cups. I can eat ~10 at a time and still not be satisfied. The only reason they’re not marked higher is because they are not marketed as gluten free and also would be terrible if you have a peanut allergy. 8.5/10.
Gluten Free Donut Holes
Story time: when I lived in LA, no one knew what a chocolate glazed donut was. For the record, I am talking about this:
There’s a reason it’s on a Dunkin bag, too. The Angelenos did not know what I was talking about. Whenever I would ask for a chocolate glazed donut, I’d be given a regular cake donut with chocolate frosting. These are NOT THE SAME.4
This is all to say that I take chocolate glazed donuts very seriously. It is my favorite donut from Dunkin Donuts, and as a proud New Englander, that’s probably the reason I am so set on them. These donut holes taste like a regular donut, and are glazed to perfection. The only reason they are not 1st is because if you accidentally leave them in the sun, the glaze gets all melty and sticky. Not that I know this from personal experience, though. These also have the distinction of being the first gluten free snack I tried. 9.5/10.
Yellow Mini Sheet Cake
This. This is the gluten free snack to rule them all. When I tell you this cake tastes like regular cake, I mean it. Like donuts, I take cake very seriously. We’ll set aside the fact that this is not chocolate cake with white frosting (which is the superior cake. I will not be taking questions or notes on this. This is a fact. *bangs gavel.*) Even still, this cake is very moist, and I shall continue tolerating the lesser version of cake (yellow cake with chocolate frosting) because it is so good and is basically regular cake, which is everything gluten free people want in this world. 100/10.
This post isn’t sponsored by Trader Joes. I just really like snacks. I did almost get a part time job there when I was still teaching & freelancing, but I received my official EDS diagnosis around that time and figured that doing a job that required constant physical labor might not be the best idea.
No New Books™️ Challenge
Guys I’m doing so well right now. I think I might be able to make it to 50 days this time. There’s no new special editions or book drops that I am interested in, so might as well not spend money in the face of a recession.
Longest streak: 38 days (January 1st - February 6th)
Last streak: 6 days (February 27th - March 4th)
Current streak: 14 days (March 5th - Present)
Mug Moment of the Week
There is a lot going on in this photo, and all of it is important to my personality. Where to start?
First, a beverage goblin needs three drinks at all times. Exhibit A:
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It’s me. I’m beverage goblins.
Second, I have a candle warmer. It is *also* the same candle warmer Mischka’s mom has, and I might have copied her but shhh don’t tell. In addition to warm beverages, I need warm candles at all times. In this particular instance, I have candles where the wicks just keep failing. I have PAID for that wax and it WILL be used. I will not be discarding perfectly good candles that have not been fully burned. Hence the candle warmer. Oh and the purple Kitchen Aid chilling in the background: a perfect metaphor for where kitchen prowess goes to die (and collect dust.)
At first glance, this looks like a mug I have already featured before, back in the newsletter’s infancy. I have indeed featured a Starbucks black and white Boston mug, but I promise you this is not the same one. I have two of them. Don’t believe me?
How do I know that I haven’t featured this specific one before? Well other than the white mark that I’m noticing right now, the one that I used today is kept at the back of my cupboard, and if I can assume anything about human nature, it’s that I am probably lazy and if I’m going to choose a Boston mug, it’ll be the one in front. If nothing else, I must feature all mugs. So it is second Starbucks Boston mug’s time to shine.
I promise more (objectively) literary things next week. But for now, I hope you all enjoy your snacks, whatever they may be. I will be vicariously living through ye who can eat gluten. I’ll never get over losing bread.
https://redwall.fandom.com/wiki/Redwall_Food
Side note: I read so many of these books in elementary school, and I literally cannot recall a single fact about them. They were all the rage at the time, but apologies to Jacques but they did not leave an impression on me sadly.
Other non gluten things include rice and corn.
Dunkin Donuts reopened in LA when I was living out there, and I went to go queue up on opening weekend because I REALLY WANTED A DONUT. The Angelenos were surprised at how good Dunkin’ was to which I say: New Englanders may be pains, but we do know what’s up with regard to Dunkin.
Proof: